There is so much to say and live. Living three decades on this earth and still feeling like sweet 16. Today, is my birthday and I have completed 32 years of my life and oh boy, what a journey it has been.
If I look back and see myself I feel like I have lived so many versions of me – the stubborn me, the crazy me, the childish me, the silly me, the indecisive me, the friendly me, the extrovert me and the introvert me, the poetic me, the artist me, the mystic me, the reader me, the writer me, the author me, the lover me, the daughter me and so on…
When I was in my teens, I was more like a tomboyish person, I was care-free bird, I lived each day, I did things without thinking about it’s consequences. I loved my hair and eyes a lot, I was kind of self-obessessed with myself. I was not competetive but I always loved competeting with myself. I used to get in a fight with guys, I used to protect my girls from the guys who harrased them, I used to fight with guys who teased me. I was head over heels in love with my first love, those sweet memories, I still have it with me.
As I grew older, in my college days, I became an introvert, I communicated very less, I turned into a loner, I prefered my own company than being with people who gossipped about others. I was very short tempered person, I believed in tit-for-tat things. Loneliness gave me a new perception. I used to spend a lot of time sitting in my balcony in my first year of college, it was hard for me to process the change. I thought I was very strong and never got homesick but it was all in my mind. I was seeking freedom but the truth was I was looking for my Mom, with whom I shared everything. I was looking for a friend where I could share things without feeling guilty or feeling judge and there was no one who could understand me. My mom is my best friend till date. Years later, I realised that as we grow up we start looking for freedom but at the same time, we start looking for home in those friends.
Things slowly started changing when I got a bunch of friends in my second year, new roommate, I was always glued to the phone. Oh, here is the secret – we all had that Nokia phone, I could type without looking at my phone. imagine – how addicted I was to my phone. There were some compatibility issues with others but I was doing okayish. I was participating in tech fests, I was enjoying with my group but I was also the one who used to get hurt easily, I felt bad when people used to ignore my gestures. I never realised all those things at that moment but now when I see myself I feel I have become emotionally mature. I had a hard time suppressing my emotions. If I was angry I used to play music and play games. When I was happy I used to dance, if I had to cry I used to cry alone – crying was weakness for me. How childish that sounds.
I never asked myself what I wanted from life, never had plans, then slowly I started looking for opportunities post engineering, clearly studies were not my cup of tea. I never liked reading technical subjects, I was easily drawn towards arts – be it music, dance, acting, anything, it always made me happy. When I got my first job I felt worthy – the independence of earning money, the independence of living on own, making meals and what not. During my first job, I made many new friends, getting along with someone was never hard for me but opening up myself was.
I found it very difficult to open up myself. I liked to be mysterious. I wanted people to solve me like a puzzle, that gave me a little bit of high but I never liked it when people chased me. I was not that kind of a person. I was looking for a long-term relationship and in between my parents started looking for a guy. At the age of 27, I was really confused whether I should marry someone or not. I still remember one of my friend told me, a person like you can easily make someone fall in love with you. It’s hard to believe that you are looking for an arrange-marriage setup. How naive I was that I used to believe that commitment was everything when it comes to love. I am an old school and a hopelessly romantic person, I believe in love and marriage institution. I only date to marry.
When I turned 27, life changed in its own way, I started thinking about my future, I started dreaming about having kids, having our dream home, thinking which paint we would apply, what would life be like, where we will spend our vacation and everything. You name it and I have the answer but I never knew that Universe had other plans, that was the ultimate turn of my life, I was heartbroken when things never went the way I wanted and I started blaming myself for everything. I took a career break which I never thought I would do because I am a very restless person, I am a workaholic person. If I am free I go insane because I feel like I am not doing anything productive. At that time I never knew that doing nothing is also doing so much because you are giving yourself a time, free from thoughts, worries and free from overthinking.
When I got my another job, anxiety shot up to me, I was scared to talk to anyone. There was this fear that whoever is going to talk to me is maybe having a bad intention. I was so insecure, I never got along with people at my workplace, I was bad at working becuase I couldn’t understand things, sometimes I used to read the email five times, I used to compose the email and never send it, it used to sit in the drafts. I was an overthinker and used to think 100 times before doing anything. During those days to work on my confidence I started doing zumba, post my work hours, I went to Zumba classes and started feeling a bit better still I was not focused but atleast it felt good.
During that time I made a very good friend, she is still my friend, we both connected via books. Books are the major part of my life, I don’t think so without them I can ever survive, I inhale the words and phrases and emotions and characters. I believe that everyone finds themselves in the characters. In 2020, I started writing a story, I used to write things in my diary inspired from Vampires Diary. The habit of writing things in diary started back in college days and now I capture things in my Notes App as well as Diary. Pandemic started and I left the city I was working in, I went to live with my parents, it was quite challenging but I was enjoying staying with my family but due to anxiety, I had a hard time processing certain things.
I started reading Non-Fiction books in Pandemic as I wanted to work on my confidence and the book ‘Attitude is Everything’ helped me to start from somewhere. I started doing Yoga, it helped me with the breathing. In 2021, Covid hit badly, it affected out family, that was the testing time. A very good friend of mine told me that it’s all about the mindset, you need to stay calm and I am very grateful that he taught me this one thing which I was always reading but couldn’t implement it as things were going so bad around me. Thankfully, by God’s grace we recovered from Covid and things started to get normal. During August, I started working on my mindset and my limiting beliefs. I wanted to get rid off my patterns, I wanted to learn more about manifestation. I wanted to write a book. I wanted to heal my past traumas and since then I have not stopped. I started to write my book in February 2021, but during Covid I had to put everything aside, in October, I found a book mentor and my editor. I finished my first draft in December.
In 2022, I relocated to my favourite city – Bangalore, it was a dream come true. I was so happy and I couldn’t believe that finally it happened. I learnt a lot of things and got to understand new culture. I launched my first book in November 2022. I met my favourite author in his book launch and it was all unbelievable. I believe that if I can do it, you can do it too. Each and everyone of us have that courage, we all are here for some purpose. I am very spiritual now. I enroll myself in the programs where I want to know about the energies, about the spiritual practices, about the manifestation and about a lot of mystical side. I have grown into a very different person now, I feel like I am more accepting now, I can also sense that if people are not behaving good with me I know how madly they are dealing with their insecurities and fears but everyone is not ready to understand and change. Everyone doesn’t recognise their toxic traits. When I realised how much fear and insecurities and doubts have impacted my life, from that moment I promised myself that whatever it takes me to do I will never stop myself from who I am and who I want to become.
It’s 2023, I am completing 32 years and I have still a lot to do. I am still working on myself. I am still healing. I am still learning new things, networking with so many people, leaving my comfort zone. I am currently located in Mumbai now. Things takes turn when you are not expecting it and I always believe that there is a higher purpose behind the situations taking place in life. I have a lot to do and a lot to achieve. I am unstoppable and never going to look back. I am very grateful for all the lessons I have learnt till now, to the person I am becoming, to all the incidents that have happened in my life, if it never happened, I wouldn’t have the courage to do what I always wanted to do. Pain often turns you into a person which you never expected.
I believe there is a Rumi inside each and every person and to discover the hidden talent you need to meet Shams of Tabriz and unlearn the learnings.
Cheers to 33 and life, to wisdom and challenges, to lessons and love. To pain and misery.
P.S . Age is just a number, don’t kill you inner child and always open your heart to new experiences.
1 thought on “All about my Life. Turning 33 and celebrating Life”
Wish you many many happy returns of the day Zeel
You are strong, intelligent , talented , kind , hard working
May God bless you & i hope all your wishes come true & you achieve the milestone